My Heart Hurts

I hate headaches. Last night, for what ever reason I had a pretty good one by the time I needed to go to bed - the kind you close your eyes really tight and just pray that at least the throbbing will be gone by morning. I hate headaches, but tonight I have a different kind of ache that can't be touched by a couple tablets of Ibuprofen. Tonight my heart hurts.

I came home from work with great expectations for the night - I even made myself a pretty respectable "to do" list. "Just keep busy" is what I keep telling myself and also the advice I've received when I tell people that my husband will be gone for awhile. And usually "keeping busy" really is the best thing to do. But tonight my heart hurts, and rather than salve it with some tasks for my hands, I've decided to let it hurt. Because even though there is some pain involved, I'm realizing that there is a lot more joy behind it all.

My heart hurts tonight because Dan is not here. I know, I know, he's only been gone for a couple of days, but still! My husband, my best friend...my beloved. We're married because we decided that life was better together than apart - but apart we are. But tonight as I ate some soup and tried to enjoy a rerun of Friends, my mind continuously wondered what he was doing, what he was thinking about, what his day was like, what his make-shift home looks like. Rather than being overwhelmingly sad, though, I found myself smiling as I remembered some random moment we shared together - the kind that only he and I could truly appreciate. I realize I hurt so deeply only because of the depth of love we share. I ache for one of his hugs when I get home from work not because I can't go on without one but because I've been held in his sweet embrace so many times before and know how rich it is. And so I let myself think and remember and wonder and smile...and sometimes I let a tear slip down my cheek.

My heart hurts tonight because I'm a little homesick, too. Why is it that going home often makes you even more homesick when you leave than you were before you arrived? I was able to create even more wonderful memories with my family over Christmas, and I love how they just seem to linger in my soul. I love that - but it also hurts to now be gone. But instead of pushing the sweet faces from my mind, I picked up a book my sister gave me for Christmas in which she eloquently penned stories of our family and painted delicate word pictures of who we are and where we come from. I knew before I did this that it wouldn't make me feel "happy"...in fact I usually am crying before I make it through a sentence or two. I don't cry out of sadness, but I cry because of the deep joy that swells in me when I think of my Mom making cinnamon rolls or my Dad reading me the Journals of Lewis and Clark or my sister and I tagging along on a hunting trip with our over-sized orange vests and wodden rifles. Tonight my heart aches, but the pain is only there because of the wealth of love and memories my family has always stored up for me.

So tonight, rather than distract my mind with house work or television or grocery shopping, I decided to indulge my heart and soul. I put on a CD of old hymns that I would listen to if I were home with Mom. I flipped through a photo album of Dan & I from college. I started a batch of fresh cinnamon rolls so my little apartment would smell and feel a little bit more like home tonight.

I don't mean this at all to sound like I'm throwing myself a pity party because I'm truly not. Tonight I am celebrating the richness of the life God has given to me. Though there have been a few tears, my reflections remind me of the depth of my God's goodness and faithfulness. Yes, my heart does hurt a little tonight - but it is so very full. And as my background music gently reminds me - tonight it really is well with my soul.

Now if you'll excuse me, I think my cinnamon rolls are almost done :)