I just laid Caroline down for her nap in her crib, just like I have a thousand times before. Except this time is a little different, because you see this time was the last time I'll lay her sweet head down in that crib. Her "big girl" toddler bed is ready and waiting for her tonight. I think she's ready...I'm just not sure that I am.
I'm quite the mix of emotions these days, which I'm sure is to be expected with this whole pregnancy thing, but still. Life is changing all around me - even within me - and sometimes I'm not sure I'm going to be able to keep up. Many of the changes are good, even wonderful, but they are still changes nonetheless...and I've never been the best as dealing with those.
Caroline is growing up before our very eyes it seems. She's talking like crazy these days, repeating anything she hears and trying her darndest to communicate what's going on in her little head. I LOVE this new phase and suddenly feel like I have a true companion with me throughout my days...though I must admit there are times that life with a toddler feels more like having a leech than a companion :) A very very sweet one that I love dearly, but still. There's nothing the girl cannot get into now, given her new-found ability to climb and also use objects/chairs/ etc as step-stools as needed. She's becoming more and more independent, which brings me both joy and a bit of fear.
I guess that's where the new bed comes in. The practical side of me has no problem -- we need the crib for the baby, and we think Caroline will do just fine in the toddler bed. I'm itching to get the baby's room put together, and this move will allow me to get some of the major shuffling taken care of. I'm good with all of this. But there's another part of me that causes the welling up of tears at the thought of my baby being in a "big girl" bed. Because this is the part of me that realizes how quickly she's growing up, and how our life is about to change dramatically with the addition of a new baby. A new baby that will make my first baby seem not so much like a baby anymore. I mean, didn't we just bring her home, and lay that little swaddled bundle in a crib that was MUCH too large for her tiny body?
I think we're all growing up a bit around here. My sweet baby Caroline has truly become a spunky little toddler that fills my days with excitement and laughter, and yes, sometimes tears.
And I guess I'm growing with her as a Mama. My pregnant body reminds me frequently of the literal growing our family is about to experience. Dan & I have been pondering frequently the myriad of thoughts stirring within us concerning becoming parents of TWO. How exactly does God allow our love to multiply in ways that allow for the love of another child? What will my heart feel when I hold this new child, another sweet girl that is fully my daughther and yet is not Caroline? How will I divide my time between two? To be honest, I think the last question is the hardest for me right now -- I have treasured these 22 months with Caroline as my 1-and-only, and I know that a) I will never have that with this child and b) I will never have that again with Caroline. And both of those facts make my heart a bit sad.
Just 5 short weeks until my due date! Just 5 more weeks until our lives our changed forever and we hold a new bundle of pink in our arms. Just 5 more weeks of being Mama to only one daughter. Just 5 more weeks of a normal routine for awhile. Just 5 more weeks until Caroline is a BIG sister. Just 5 more weeks until I can bend over without sound effects. Just 5 more weeks with no night-time/round-the-clock feedings. Just 5 more weeks until we meet our new daughter.
It's amazing how 5 weeks can seem like both an eternity and the blink of an eye.
8 comments:
Ahhh... reading this reminds me of EXACTLY what I was feeling before I gave birth to Summer. SO EXACTLY THE SAME. I hated putting her in her toddler bed, and now... it's so normal.
All I can say is that it's amazing how love multiplies. It may be difficult the first weeks, but then, it becomes normal! And those sweet early/midnight nursings are the times alone with the baby that you crave. And pretty soon, you can't imagine your life without the second one... pretty funny how that happens.
All this to say, is that you're normal... or at least, WE'RE normal together. :-) Can't wait to meet that second sweet bundle of pink...
This is a great, reflective writing. I know Mom felt the same way before giving birth to me… but look at how awesome I ended up making our family? ;-)
Even I am wondering how I could love another one of yours like I do my sweet little squeeze, CJ. However, I am still immensely excited to meet the new baby girl j, and hold her, and take a million pictures of her, and kiss her beautiful bald head too! Going to start on canvases when I get back from cruise!
I think you have put into words what almost every mom has felt. I understand all of those thoughts completely and remember feeling/thinking the same way. And you're right. Things will be different from here on out. Just like when Caroline came and it changed everything in your and Dan's life. Some things forever gone but wonderful new things to take their place. Different, but good. I can't help but think of Grandma Schoon and my experience of being No. 7. She said we all just fit in.
I know that you know all of this but it doesn't make what you're feeling any less real. Just to put it all in perspective....think what our lives would be like without Kelsey!!! :)
Just so you know---I wrote my "Kelsey" comment before I saw her comment, just hadnt' posted it. Too funny.
Kelsey, just remember, we loved and love you dearly no matter what they say!
Kelly K
I can remember feeling exactly this same way. With the twins it was a lot worse because as much as I was looking forward to them, the guilt of how the older kid's lives would change was really horrible.
The good news is, it only lasts until the next child is born. After you bring a new baby home, in 24 hours remembering your family any other way than with them seems like SO LONG AGO......for the kids too, I think.
Don't forget, you are giving them each other. This eases the guilt slightly when you have thoughts like "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and...." fill in the blank. Your next thought will be something like "thank God they will have each other....."
If you haven't had thoughts like that yet, I apologize. Just don't feel bad when you do. You will. =)
This was a sweet read. What a wonderful momma your girls have! Can't wait to meet the new one! Wouldn't it be funny if she had a TON of hair?
Holy Moly - I just went through 3 kleenex's in a minute. I'm balling my eyes out - makes me not want to have a second even though I'm so ready for a second. Thanks for sharing this. And thanks to the other moms for your wise words of encouragement! Can't wait to see "tanah's" baby sister!!!
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